Exausted....

I am exausted.

And to make matters worse.....crazy cant describe my life.

Its a bit...Messy.

However...Amid the crazy, out of control, disappointing and very hard life we all live....some things make me feel like it will all be okay. Sooner than later.

Yesterday I left work around 6:30pm. As I left, the air was moist and cool. Something that doesnt happen in Arizona often. The sky was an array of colors and the wind was swirling around like the left over clumps of chocolate powder in your milk. I pulled out onto Schnef Road and looked at the incredible beauty around me. Farm land stretching for miles...green rows of something I couldnt name. Seemingly small homes dotted the land and the smell of freshly wetted hay filled the air. A smell I miss from the ranch in New Mexico.

I looked about, and was so humbled at the beauty I could enjoy, even if my life seemed to ugly. The sky was filled with rain clouds, but what stood out, was the sun. It was an unspeakably beautiful color. The orange was deep, and sweet. Burnt almost....Slowly falling to the edge of the earth it got darker and richer. I wanted to grab that big ,round ... amazing thing and take a bite out of it. I was sure it must be ripe and juicy. Nothing that would disappoint this perfect place I was in. As I drove west on Combs road, I marveled at the perfect painting in front of me. As the sky got darker, the air around me was saturated with pinks and oranges and dark grays. A color pallete you wouldnt believe. In the sky directly in front of me, There was a dark, smeared cloud of gray and black. The kind you see when it is raining in a far off place. The lightning filled the spot near it. One big gaping hole was filled with the most perfect and bright blue Id ever seen. And farther off north there was another perfectly placed hole filled with a color I wish I could capture with paint. It was a pinkish hue, unmistakably the most pretty shade Id ever beheld. A small touch of orange graced the edges of the hole. It looked like something you would see in Heaven, matter of fact, I am certain that It was a window into what must have been a meadow in Heaven, filled with flowers in hues of color I could only dream of.

The sky was like a painting that I can only hope I could recreate. Of course I would never think I could paint something as perfect as my Father in Heaven...But He did create me. And I hope I could try and imagine what he might have thought up when he painted that sky for me.

The lightning lit up the darkest parts of the sky...Much like the truth in all things lightens up the darkness in our lives. It pierced my eyes and my soul. I felt like the power that radiated from it was straight from Heaven. Small and short lasting pieces of the power and purity and goodness that is waiting for me in the Life hereafter. I can only hope....I couldnt grip my reality quick enough. I was swept away by the view. I was amazed at what I felt. The peace and understanding that I felt. I kept recieving small pieces of clarity and it felt so wonderful. I drove as the cool, wet air wound and whipped through my windows. My hair became tangled into chunks and I wanted to close my eyes and feel the cold, perfect rain drops on my skin. I thought how perfect it would be to stand in those fields and just breathe the perfectness around me. Let the cold drops hit my skin.

I dream alot these days. I feel so much hope in dreaming.

I know we were blessed with dreams so we could see what beautiful places we could go, the amazing things we could accomplish. Its the Lords way of helping us keep our hopes alive in a world he knew would feel dark and suffocating. Dreams free us from those days we feel our chest tighten, and our heart rates rise. They free us from the feelings we cant control, the tears we cant hold back, the disappointments we cant help and the darkness we can only make so light.

I am so humbled that I can see, and feel and be in this beautiful place. That I am able to take it in and let it be a place of goodness and Hope. I dont believe for a second that Life cant be beautiful and perfect...not matter how far from that it seems.

A Quotist.

" Positivity is the root of all Possibility, Dig it up."

-Me

Yep...

I think I like it.

Last night, I was up, Feeling rather inspired.

This quote was the only thing that popped into my head.

I dont need a "like" button for this one.

I already Love it.

Happy Friday!

The News

I'm Moving.

To....dun dun dun...

Taylor, Arizona.

I am so excited.

I am ready for a big change. New job. New faces.

New challenges.

and

A new Me.

It's about time I get goin' with my Life and my Self betterment.

Ive recently applied for jobs at the hospital in Show Low and hope I get one!

But, I also have a job being a Nanny for the Perkins.

I am SO EXCITED.

Cash and Stetson are my little dudes I'll be watching and Its going to be amazing.

Its something I am ready for. This is going to be UNREAL.

Its the part of my life when things start happening.

I got invited by one of my favorites to Ireland in October and Im going to start saving my Pennies.

And you know what else, I want to go to Hawaii.

So, Taylor, Here I come.

Its time to start workin, and savin and moving FORWARD.

No more looking back!

I will miss so many people.

I love you all so much.

But there are a few special people who never left my side.

My Family. I love them with ALL of me. And I am so grateful for them.

Kelli, I love you sister.

Mama , Beccabear and Drew Holleran. You guys have been such HUGE blessings to me. I love you guys!

And gosh, if i could list them all out. EACH and EVERY single one of my friends and family.

I love you guys. ALOT.

Dont ever give up on yourselves. Love yourself enough to give yourself what you need.

(and want)

I love you guys! Cross you fingers for me! Im on a HUGE MISSION and IM NOT STOPPING HERE!!!!!

Love, Breeee

Life's Lesson,Never Learned.

Sometimes I wonder how I can move so far backward, Its like I never moved forward.

I wonder why I make decisions or put myself in situations that Ive been in

and theres no good that come from it.

I'm sick of who Ive become, where Im at in my life, and where Im Not.

I want to stop feeling like I have to rely on someone to be happy.

I have discovered a few things about myself.

Its mostly phsycological.

Ever since Ive been divorced, I had this overwhelming need to confirm I can handle SOMETHING.

At any point, I just wanted to feel as though I wouldnt fail at everything I did.

You see, It all started with the realization that I failed at marriage and being a good wife.

Then it became much bigger, soon enough, I felt as though id fail at everything I would ever do.

So, in some sort of failed attempt to regain my own self worth, I began trying extra hard in everything I did.

Sometimes, I tried too hard.

I would begin to try and take care of everyone I met.

Like a mother would do.

I felt the need to make others happy so I could drown out my own needs and feelings.

I would overwhelm the people in my life.

And from there, I began thinking to much. Worried I would never be good enough for anyone.

No matter how well I could care for someone, I feared I could never make another person happy.

Im afraid ive gone off the deep end, and become to reliant on the acceptance of others that Ive forgetten to figure out who I am.

I know who I am, I think.

But I doubt that often because Im in a state of confusion.

I constantly wonder if Ill ever succeed.

If ill ever really be happy.

If ill ever be able to make somone truly happy.

If I will ever feel Normal.

Ive pushed away everyone I know.

I start liking someone and feel like I want to really be good at that relationship, and scare them away.

I thought I was just loyal.

But I guess I smother people.

I dont know why I feel the need to try so hard. But I do. Im passionate about what I do. All the time.

I havent seen the movie Eat Pray Love yet, but I have a feeling Im like Julia Roberts character.

I need to remove myself from this familiar setting and start thinking about my health, mentally.

Physically.
Spiritually.

I need to learn to rely on myself , and myself alone.

I need to learn to be okay when Im alone.

So that when the day comes I have become reliant on myself.

Maybe then, I cant look for someone else to rely on.

And then, they can comfortably rely, on me.

Time will tell.

Until then, Im goin to try and be okay with the fact that once again, Ive failed.

Ill accept it for what it is, and start focusing on my life.

Hopefully.

Worried Sick

It all Started with my Mom getting sick this week.

No big deal, just the flu.

She was in bed, getting rest. And I decided to go hang out with my friends.

We go out to the desert for fourwheeling often.

I have kinda had my fair share as of late, and so had my friend Kj.

So, him and I decided to go longboarding instead.

The plan:

Meet the Crew at Native New Yorker for Wings.

Meet back at Jayrods house to depart for the desert.

So, we did that much.

As far as I knew, the plan was still that Kj and I would not be going to the desert,

and instead be going longboarding.

Well, as everyone prepared and hung out for the desert, Kj and Spencer said

"we will be back!"

and left.

So, I figured they went to get some energy drinks.

About twenty minutes later, the crew was ready to leave. No kj or spencer.

So I text Kj.

No response.

As far as I know, Im not going, thinking the plan was still on.

So, I stayed.

Suddenly it was completely silent. Not a soul in sight. But me.

I text Kj again.

Still, Nothing.

After 30 Minutes I figure something came up.

Icecream it is.

Yes, I went to sonic by myself and got icecream.

Then I went to Kelli and Richies and ate it.

But by this time, I've heard nothing.

I'm a little upset, but mostly worried.

Well, as you can guess, its now 11:30pm and I've still heard not a sound.

They could be hurt or just hanging out with other friends.

But

I have NO idea what it could be.

Because once again I'm left hanging onto nothing but my thoughts.

Which are getting too carried away.

My thoughts have swayed in and out of

"i must be really boring, and totally lame"

to

"they could have gotten in an accident and here I am worried about me"

Its terrifying not knowing if your loved ones are okay.

To top it off....My mom is now in the E.R.

5 Spinal Taps later, and she is being tested for Meningitis.

The results wont be in for at least an hour, and even then, we have no idea what the plan is.

So, Here I am. Worried SICK.

Praying my Mom is okay and that my friends are safe.

It seems as though i've become the person with a huge lack in information.

So, if you have questions, Don't ask me.

I pray that everyone is okay.

I pray that at some point in this life, I'll figure out if Im worth the time and energy

to even tell whats going on.

Because at this point...nothings in my favor.

PLEASE, Spare me.

Keep them all in your prayers! Im sure everything is okay, and that there will be a peaceful end, but just for now, Ill be worried.

Profanities

Its better say the word profanities than to actually say them.

Which is what i'd like to do now.

I wish I could say this post was going to be a good one

but because its 2am and Im not in a mood to care

It wont be

I just want to scream. LOUD.

So loud that someone can hear me, and will come running.

You know the feeling. Im sure.

and if you dont, you are one lucky soul.

theres a feeling of sadness

and a pang of pain in my heart.

The kind that when you cry, Actually hurts.

Like heartbreak.

for a long time i didnt think that was real.

but I know it is.

its something we all feel.

like when you decide to go to a dance party wiht friends and end up following a car

FULL of your friends

while you drive behind, in your own car. EMPTY.

yes, that did happen. and what i felt was pure sadness.

when does it become MY turn to have someone who truly honestly sincerely genuinly loves me for who I AM.

when is it my turn to run into someone who wants so bad to be in MY company because

im interesting, or funny.

At this point, i guess ill just assume i have no substance and am not worth a thing.

im ready to run. my feet are buried and planted in this ground, but my body wants so bad to move.

when will i be able to fly, to move to just GO.

far away from this place and all of these people.

no matter how sincere and real i am, no matter how much i love my friends

im not feeling back, when i try to give

i just want to be in a place where i can free myself from these chains and find peace.

where can i go

what can i do

i think its my turn to be helped.....its my turn to find someone who needs a project

because right now

im a lost cause.

worthless.

anyone need a project, you might receive blessings for this one....

Remember that one Post?

Ya, the one where I go on and on about how "its a feat"

Well, I am here to calm your every worry

(because I know you've all been wondering)

I am still working towards my goal.

Its been tough, and I did, admitadly take a small break

so I could go to school.

Yes, I went to school....Some people wouldnt put it in that category

but I do.

I went to Pima Medical Intstitute to be a CNA

(certified nursing assistant)

It was a 5 weeks program in which I am proud to say, I got a 4.0

I'm pretty sure anyone could do it, but I didn't think I could swing it.

Well I did. And now, I get the pleasure of looking for a Job!

I am keeping my eyes peeled for a job at a hospital, hopefully in Pediatrics.

But Im assuming that wont fly.

So, as for now, I am jobless and schooless.

Its no fun, I hate feeling lazy and unaccomplished.

Besides that I am tryin' to get myself spiritually and physically fit.

This is the point in life where I get a little discouraged and have WAY too much time to think.

Thinking is okay though, right?

Anyway, back to my original topic

(im easily strayed, obviously)

I have yet to get back to the gym, not because I am lazy, but because i put my

account on hold until i have a job.

i believe the term is "living within my means"

My means dont exactly wanna pay for gym and gas and groceries

and blah blah blah...So...that it is.

I shall be patient.

Go walk outside, since the weather is so amazing.

breathe some fresh air

ride a bike

get out of this house...

It will be nice...except as I speak, I hear someon rustling outside my window.

Creepy...Yes.

Anyway...I guess this is my update for now...But soon enough ill be back with a whole wonderful

post about my accomplishments in the past few months.

Until then, if anyone wants to play...

Im around!

Have a wonderful WONDERFUL Halloween weekend!!

Love, Bree

It's about time

I've been thinking.

And as you all know, Thats when I blog.

Oh Joy.

Well, As of today, I'm done with the class part of my CNA Program.

It's so exciting. First, because I have a 4.0

And if you know me, I'm not so bright. I don't get 4.0's

But

I have one.

Next week we will go to the a nursing home for clinicals.

I'm a little nervous, but I love old people and I am excited to get the hands on experience.

On another note.

After next week, I will be jobless and scheduless.

This is exciting for me.

First, because Tuff is in town. I get to go on some fun adventures with him!

Second, because I get to find the perfect place for me to be.

Part of me wants to move away, and the other wants to stay.

But mostly, I want to move.

I kinda feel like I need to do what the character in the movie

Eat Pray Love

does.

Just, go away.

Id love to find myself in a foreign place. Left with nothing but myself, my thoughts and a peace I cant find in a familiar place.

I believe that I find peace in an unfamiliar place.

I am left with my clear thoughts.

Nothing surrounding me that is familiar.

I can focus on the peace that surrounds me.

Another reason I want to go...

I don't seem to have many Good friends.

The kind that call you daily just to laugh with you and check on you.

The ones who spend a day doing spontaneous things.

Friends who WANT to hang out with me

Ones that like me for what I am and what Ive been through in my life.

I know I am a good person, with alot of love and excitement for life.

I just want to have fun, go on trips, relax, laugh.

I am not complicated.

But I think everyone I know, may think I am.

I just want to meet people who want good relationships, ones that will Last.

I don't want to be the kind of person who just has alot of friends and goes out to alot of parties.

Thats not me.

I love to be with people I love and who I can be a good friend too.

I never really liked those awkward greetings with people I kinda knew.

I always loved being a good friend.

Anyway, Its really just me ranting and raving about nonsense.

You know, the usual.

But, its okay.

Im not too worried, things will work out.

Soon enough ill have the people around me who matter most

besides my amazing family.

Either way...

If you like to have fun, chill, laugh, talk, listen to music, stare at the fan, throw chonies at the fan, make pbjs at 2am, take random trips to the mountains, sleep, eat, chair dance, go to the mud bogs, camp, get excited over camp fires and fuel...

just to name a few...

Please

Inquire Here.

Love, Bree

My List

Tonight I watched A Walk to Remember.

Those of you how have seen it, know that this movie is Sad.

But even when I knew the ending, I could still smile throughout the whole movie.

It made me Hope for Love and Life.

It made me realize that I haven't ever sat down and thought about those small

and simple things that I want to do in life.

Of course I've done those lists of the "5 years from now, 10 years from now"

but I was always so vague. I just wanted to list the basic goals and be done.

But I've never sat and thought about the small details.

The little things that make me smile, the things I want to get out of life, now and in the future.

So, I decided to make a list of the things that I want, and the things I hope for.

Its not an organized list. Nor, is it a list that an english teacher will ever get a hold of,

because its My list. A list I create, I can add to it, I can cross things off.

It can be sloppy or numbered.

Any way, Its my list.

I want to pack my bags, get in my car, and drive. I don't want to have a destination, or a care in the world. I just want to go. I want to see the small book shops, and old, weathered men sitting on the side of the road. I want to drive through the greenest trees into the most humid seasides. I want to see the sunflowers, let the wind tangle my hair and not worry how it looks when I've arrived. I want to listen to music the whole way. Screaming the lyrics at the top of my lungs. I want to see the world, and hold it in my hands, I want to discover the feelings Ive never felt and relive the most perfect moments Ive lived in. I want to smile as the sun rises, and the sunshine warms my face. I want to hold a tiny baby, one that has never been loved like I could love it. I want love that little baby like its own never could. I want to serve the sick and those who don't have what Ive been blessed with. I want to work and sweat and build a home for someone who doesn't have one. I want to read to an elderly woman, take her back to her days when she stood in the road and twirled in circles, when she used to buy sodas for a nickel. I want to lay on the beach of a beautiful place, sift the sand through my fingers. I want to ride a horse on the shore and watch as the waves crash around me. I want to sit in a tree, and carve my name next to someones, with a heart. Just like in the movies. I want to smell the gasoline and hear the brapt of the dunes, feel the cool air all around me as I hold tight. I want to make blueberry pancakes for my kids in the morning, and teach them to sing in the afternoon, even though I dont know how. I want to build a fort and pretend we live in an enchanted land where we ride horses and save the helpless. I want to wake to the bed bouncing and my kids all around me. I want to feel my heart race and my stomach fill with butterflies, I want to smile knowing I've gotten as far as the Lord wants to lead me. I want to fill my home with the spirit and with learning. I want to grow old , and sit on a rocking chair at the end of a summer night, cold lemonade in my hand and talk of the days we were young and wild. I want to kiss my tiny baby, study its features and marvel at the miracle that I created it. I want to sing songs all day long, and pick wild flowers in a field. I want to work hard everyday, knowing I get to comfort and reassure the sick. I want to be someones miracle. I want to make someone smile, who never does. I want to lift up the people that surround me and inspire others to be better. I want to be better, I want act better and I want to help other be better. I want to give away this Love that I have in my heart to so many people. I want to use this spirit that I have for all that it was meant to be used for. I want to bring other unto this Gospel.

I want others to know the Peace and Comfort that I feel when I know I have the Lord in my life.

The peace that I feel when I know that if Ive made a mistake I can pray to my father in heaven and ask him for forgiveness. I want others to feel this feeling that I have. When I can go to sleep at night, and know that I will be protected from the dangers of the world, because the Savior loves me.

As I watched A walk to remember, I felt a small flame of Hope burn inside me, that one day I would be able to do some many of these things, and so much more.

Because the Lord has bigger plans, than I have for myself.

And I want to be on that plan, I want to live so that I can see where that takes me. I dont want to take this life for granted just because I know there is a life after this. I want to fulfill all that I need to here and now, in this life, so that when I go to the next, Im ready.

I want my family, and my friends to know that I love them.

That they mean the world to me, and not only that, but they mean Forever.

I want them to know that I want to see them in the life hereafter, smiling because they have found the peace that living this life right will have brought them.

I want them to know that I believe they deserve the world, they deserve happiness and peace. And I hope they find it. I know they will.

I'll be back to add more, or, perhaps Ill just write another post. Infact, that sounds about right. Considering how much I love to type. Obviously.

Take the time to write down the small and simple things you want to do, and one by one.

Do them.

Its good for the soul.

Love, Bree

Courage

Alma 53:20-22

And they were all young men and they were exceedingly valiant for

courage, and also for strength and activity; but behold, this was not all-

they were men who were true at all times in whatsoever thing they were entrusted.

Yea, they were men of truth and soberness, for they had been taught to keep the commandments of God and to walk uprightly before him.

And now it came to pass that Helaman did march at the head of his two thousand stripling soldiers, to the support of the people in the borders of the land on the south by the west sea.

When I read these scriptures last night, I recalled upon two different types of courage, strength, activity and truth in all things.

There are men and woman fighting in horrific battles, risking their lives every moment so that we might have freedom.

There are men and woman who are sacrificing the oppurtunities of life for something greater than they, missionary work.

In verse 20 it says "...they were men who were true at all times in whatsoever thing they were entrusted."

I want to be this valiant and courageous. I want to be TRUE in all things.

I want the Lord to Entrust me with important battles, and work. I want him to Entrust me with the things of this life and the things of the life to come.

Entrust.

: to confer a trust on; especially : to deliver something in trust to

: to commit to another with confidence

I want the Lord to know He can Trust me. And that He can commit to me in confidence that I can do it. That I will.

I want to stand for strength and activity. I want to do the Lords work in all things. Follow his path, and his will for me.

In turn, I can put my Faith in the Lord, and follow his commandments and entrust him to guide me where He would have me go, where I Know I will be happiest.

I'm grateful for this scripture. For the Men and Woman who fight for my freedom

and for the Men and Woman serving Missions for the

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Im grateful for their Courage, Valiance and Support.

I want to be as Helaman, and Lead my brothers and sisters to the support of eachother.

I want to support members and non-members of the church.

I want to support family.

I want to support others.

Not because I have to.

But because I want to.

I need to be humble. and Grateful for the blessings in my life.

For all that Ive been given.

I need to be more courageous and valiant and stand for whats Good and Right.

I want to be entrusted with the care and love and support of others.

No matter the circumstance.

Because I can, and because I want to be like my brother Jesus Christ.

I strive to be like him and in being like Him, I am like Helaman.

I am like the men and woman who are serving around the world.

No matter the difference in their service, it is Service.

Thank You to all the Soldiers and Missionaries who are doing all that they can to bring freedom and rightness to those around them. I keep you in my prayers and am humbled and privelaged at all that you do.

Walk Uprightly before the Lord, be true at all times in whatsoever you are entrusted , and the Lord

will Bless you.

Close Call

As I sit in the Pew Home

watching Tressa and Hyrum play with transformers and

watch Bedtime Stories

I try to decide what I want to write today.

I recieved a Phone call just now

with word that my Dad has been in an accident

My mom says he is okay, But he hit his chest pretty hard.

As I type, They are with a doctor.

I don't know any more than that.

But one thing I know is that I am completely humbled.

I am afraid for my Dads safety and Health.

But

more importantly I knew that to find comfort in this scary time

I needed to pray.

I took myself to a bedroom and knelt humbly before the Lord

asking him for safety upon the rest of my family and

To watch over my dad and allow him to be okay.

As I prayed I knew all would be well.

I know that through faithfulness to the Lord and constant Prayer

with an open heart and contrite spirit that my family and loved ones will always be kept safe.

From the wiles of Satan, and the Dangers of the world.

I know that in this scare, I have realized the importance of Eternal Families.

It opened my eyes to the importance of showing my family all the Love that I feel for them.

It helped me realized that we are so blessed to have families here on this earth with us.

We are blessed to have eachother.

I cannot tell of the gratitude that fills my heart that my Dad is okay.

I am so grateful for him. I know he Loves me.

He sacrifices SO much everyday for me, and my family.

I know he loves me and supports me.

He is humble, kind, loving and Im so grateful for these things

and the things he does for me everyday. And for the example he sets.

I love my dad. I love my Father in Heaven for blessing me with such and amazing person in my life.

Im grateful for the assurance that in all trials, I can turn to the Lord, and I can always ask him for safety upon my friends and loved ones.

Be aware of those around you, Love them. Show your unconditional love for them.

Don't ever hold back and Never ever let your Pride get in the way.

It is more important to tell them you love them Now, than wish that you had done it later.

There are certain people in our lives for a reason. Never let those people go.

Hold onto them.

Hold onto your Hope and Faith that they will always be kept safe.

The Here and Now

The soft, cool air drifting gently through the windows of my car.

A quiet peace sat near as I lie in my seat. My hair removed neatly from my neck and placed on my shoulder. Single strands brushed against my face as I listen to the sound of the musty monsoon season drifting nearer. I lie with my eyes closed. One arm stretched atop my head and the other neatly place on the headrest. I feel comfortable. Peaceful. Quiet. The earth rotating around me.Yet I sit here, content. No movement beyond the time, as it slowly floats by. I don't notice the time. I don't feel the moments pass. I feel myself being in the moment. I am aware of each small sound. Crickets chirping their innocent sounds, the blades of what grass there is, were scratching against eachother. The lights buzzed softly with moths and tiny insects that only knew this moment and the light that surrounded them. I noticed the calm, quiet, steady breathing next to me. I listened intently to the perfect pace. My heart filled with gratitude for these blessings that are the moments I am in.

A peace so good, and right. No, these moments are not passing by. Like the tiny fluffs of summer that drift through the air and make me sneeze. I am taking them in. I know this moment. I feel this moment and I will always be able to reach inside and find those sweet increments of time

and relive them. Because I do not let these go by. I enjoy them.

I breathe in them.

I sing in them.

I laugh.

I listen.

I wonder.

I stop

and I feel.

I create.

I understand.

I am.

For in time,there will be a moment that will dance quickly by and never be endured or lived in.

But for those, we grasp these moments we do live in. And we remember.

The here and now.

Forever.

Dear Me

You've been going all day.

Although this is good...

You realize its alot better than just sitting in bed

waiting for the time to pass.

You really shouldn't think so much

but, well, thats you.

The little girl in the living room will sleep fine

and so will you.

But mostly

You should stop worrying about the things to come.

Like they say

theres a reason they call this the Present.

Because its a Gift.

Yes, It is.

But how will you Sleep when you're mind is cranking

at 100 miles a minute?

You will probably have to take a nice, relaxing hot shower.

Then, turn on some good, calm music and write a letter or two.

Then, in no time, you will be holding your eyelids open.

It's that simple.

Now, Get goin.

P.S. It's only a matter of time.

Love, You.

Should I, or Shouldn't I? Thats the Question.

2008

OLD....Chipmunk Cheeks and Crazy Hair....

Prom: 2005

OLD...

I don't know what to say. These pictures are...

Fabulous.

Not.

I'll Just be honest...

I want your Honest Opinion.

I think my hair needs a break from Blonde. Its been blonde for a year and a half.

Its bored, Im bored.

So, Im considering Dark, With bangs.

I just don't know.

In the end, I'll do what I decide last minute

sitting in that chair

But

either way, these white trash roots I have now, need to go!

Ha!

So, come one, come all.

Voice your opinions....but be gentle

Brown?

Eh?

One Of the Best days Ever.

All I can say is...

I've haven't FELT this happy...In awhile.

I haven't SMILED this much in ages.

I haven't had this feeling is so long.

And

I LOVE IT.

I Know Things work out for a reason.

I KNOW Heavenly Father will make paths for us.

I know that He loves me, Because even when I stray

even when I make a dumb choice

He still guides me.

He guides me because he wants me to know

He still loves me

and wants me to grow closer to Him.

I have seen so many countless Blessings in my life recently

Its hard to hold back the gratitude I have for my Father in Heaven.

He KNOWS me.

He LOVES me.

And because I know these things

It helps my testimony grow that I will be Happiest where he guides me.

I know fully, that if I am willing to sacrifice the little insignificant things I want NOW

and Do all that I can to grow closer to him...

The end result will be my COMPLETE happiness.

Inside. and Out.

I am SO happy today.

Even my mom noticed.

She said she hasn't seen me this happy in a long time.

And its because I have had some major changes

and some MAJOR closure.

and some MAJOR excitement.

One day, you will possibly know what Im speaking of.

But for now

Its a secret.

I Grand Secret.

A secret so wonderful

delightful

happy

funny

peaceful

right

good

and

REAL

that it will make even the toughest Smile.

Yes. One day I will write of Wonderful things.

But for now....

I just smile.

Because I know...All things work out in mysterious ways..

And I know its because thats how the Lord works.

And that my friends

Works for Me.

Losing It

Sometimes, I think I've already lost It.

Sometimes, I wish I would.

Then I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

I am sitting at home, all alone in my big bed.

Eating grilled chicken and listening to FM Static.

The song is called "Take me as I am"

Perfect.

Is it so wrong that I hate being alone?

I don't want to spend my time thinking about myself

Worrying about little things that never matter

or ever will.

I hate the feeling that at any moment I could think something I dont want to.

Don't get me wrong.

I am so comfortable just relaxing.

I am okay when I can be quiet and Peaceful.

My life isn't so hectic and insane that when I get the chance to breathe

I don't.

Because I do.

But I know I have to ability to make it so much better

with someone by my side.

I will never be

and I am not the type

who wants to be alone.

I want to love someone

Take care of them.

Give them all that I have, and Fight to give them even more than that.

I want to feel peaceful knowing I can give all I have to offer

to someone who wants it.

I know.

Some may say Im in too much of a hurry.

But I'm not.

I just know when I am happiest.

When I can fully give all I have to someone.

Sue me.

But don't really....I don't have anything to give

But Love.

So if you wanna, you can sew me for that.

I just know one thing

God made me this way for a reason

I'd rather spend all my time serving and doting on someone else

because when I'm alone

all I do is think think think

and it never gets me anywhere but

down.

So for now, I'll settle with my chicken and Hunger Games.

Ill listen to music.

Make my bed.

Do the 3 dishes in the sink

and clean out the fridge.

But

I know sooner than later

I'll just wanna say goodnight to someone.

And love them.

One things for sure...

When that day comes...

I will have plenty of love to give and It wont ever go away.

And I am okay with that.

I may be losin' my mind but I still got my Heart.

(P.S. I loooove you guys!)

I Went, And I'm Glad I did.

I went to Lake Powell.

Met my new friend Cason...

Spent alot of quality time with Rhetlee....

Loved watching Squishy Be Cute...

Decided Buddha would be a Heartbreaker when he grows up...

Took tons of Pictures ...

And Had a Blast. I don't even know where to begin.

It was an amazing trip. With Amazing people. I feel in love with the Olsen

and Ashby Families and Decided My new obsession is The Lake.

(2nd in line to The Dunes)

Duh.

But Im am glad I decided to go, and put aside my fears of looking ugly all week,

Matter of fact, I didnt even think about it.

I was having too much fun.

I realized Life is too Short.

We have got to love who we are and just Live Life.

Gahh, I Love Lake Powell.

I love being Sunkissed.

I love feeling like Butterflies live in my stomach.

I love My cousin Shaunie and her Hubs Ramsey.

I love Utah.

I Love Love Love LOVE!

I Am Grateful For: My Brother Coby

That's Us.

And this is my Older Brother Coby Duane.

He is one of my Favorite people, and Best Friends.

Granted, He has a girlfriend (who I also Love) and we have Busy Lives

I think of him as a Best friend

because we are so much alike.

We Have the same humor and have habit of talkin crazy with eachother

Which always gets the rest of the Family laughing.

I love my Bro. He is seriously one of the Funniest people Ive ever met.

He's tough, and he is super Cool

(I guess it runs in the family ... haha)

Coby is also very different than I am.

He owns a Zoo in his room... Practically. I wouldnt mind an animal or two

But Not a ZOO in my ROOM!

Okay, only if there were a Monkey.

I just wanted to say how neat he is.

He's super smart

WAY fun to go out fourwheelin with

and He supports me. He is always there for me

and I love him!

Im so glad he's my brother because some of my best memories and laughs

were with him!

Love you Cobus!

I Am Grateful For: My Brother Cade

Some days, I think I'd like to grab him by the ear and lug him to the garage.

But, Most days, I am Grateful for this Guy.

He's Hilarious.

He's So Smart.

And he's a Cutie Patootie!

I know he will accomplish amazing things in his life.

He has such a neat personality. Although SO different from the rest of us kids

He is different in amazing Ways. He's So totally cool.

I Love it when he has something funny to say

Admittedly, Sometimes I don't laugh even if I think its Hilarious.

or

Because Im too caught up in my own selfish thoughts

I dont pay attention to him

But I want to

And Im going to

Because He's AWESOME!

Its kinda like he just....Knows what to say.

He has a great imagination, and still acts like a kid. Like me.

We are so much more alike than sometime I like to admit.

I mean, He IS my little brother. Im supposed to give him

Tough Love , Right?

Anyway, I just hope that Kid knows How cool he is.

I think of him and my coolest little brother.

And

I think of him as my Friend.

Even if I dont act like it.

I know he will do great things

and I Know he's my brother for a reason.

I love this Kid!!

Paranoid

Well, I got invited to the Lake.

Lake Powell.

Am I excited? Of course.

But I am Paranoid.

I am not down 20lbs yet and I look awful in a Swimsuit.

I am so super embarrassed.

I don't know If I can make myself go.

Besides that I do not have natural wave or curl to my hair

and its flat as a board.

I will be on the beach, camping and swimming

for a whole week.

One Whole Week.

That means, No makeup.

Swimsuit all day and night.

No shower.

And lets not mention, that if I cant shave, Ill have hairy legs.

Gross.

I have almost made up my mind.

Some of us just don't have natural beauty

or

feel like we can look pretty just being Us.

Well thats Me.

I feel intimidated and Highly nervous.

What in the world!

Iwork out every day and am Trying to get myself in shape

But thats not good enough until I see results.

Sooooo What to do?

I just Do Not know.

Gaahhhhhhhh