I am exausted.
And to make matters worse.....crazy cant describe my life.
Its a bit...Messy.
However...Amid the crazy, out of control, disappointing and very hard life we all live....some things make me feel like it will all be okay. Sooner than later.
Yesterday I left work around 6:30pm. As I left, the air was moist and cool. Something that doesnt happen in Arizona often. The sky was an array of colors and the wind was swirling around like the left over clumps of chocolate powder in your milk. I pulled out onto Schnef Road and looked at the incredible beauty around me. Farm land stretching for miles...green rows of something I couldnt name. Seemingly small homes dotted the land and the smell of freshly wetted hay filled the air. A smell I miss from the ranch in New Mexico.
I looked about, and was so humbled at the beauty I could enjoy, even if my life seemed to ugly. The sky was filled with rain clouds, but what stood out, was the sun. It was an unspeakably beautiful color. The orange was deep, and sweet. Burnt almost....Slowly falling to the edge of the earth it got darker and richer. I wanted to grab that big ,round ... amazing thing and take a bite out of it. I was sure it must be ripe and juicy. Nothing that would disappoint this perfect place I was in. As I drove west on Combs road, I marveled at the perfect painting in front of me. As the sky got darker, the air around me was saturated with pinks and oranges and dark grays. A color pallete you wouldnt believe. In the sky directly in front of me, There was a dark, smeared cloud of gray and black. The kind you see when it is raining in a far off place. The lightning filled the spot near it. One big gaping hole was filled with the most perfect and bright blue Id ever seen. And farther off north there was another perfectly placed hole filled with a color I wish I could capture with paint. It was a pinkish hue, unmistakably the most pretty shade Id ever beheld. A small touch of orange graced the edges of the hole. It looked like something you would see in Heaven, matter of fact, I am certain that It was a window into what must have been a meadow in Heaven, filled with flowers in hues of color I could only dream of.
The sky was like a painting that I can only hope I could recreate. Of course I would never think I could paint something as perfect as my Father in Heaven...But He did create me. And I hope I could try and imagine what he might have thought up when he painted that sky for me.
The lightning lit up the darkest parts of the sky...Much like the truth in all things lightens up the darkness in our lives. It pierced my eyes and my soul. I felt like the power that radiated from it was straight from Heaven. Small and short lasting pieces of the power and purity and goodness that is waiting for me in the Life hereafter. I can only hope....I couldnt grip my reality quick enough. I was swept away by the view. I was amazed at what I felt. The peace and understanding that I felt. I kept recieving small pieces of clarity and it felt so wonderful. I drove as the cool, wet air wound and whipped through my windows. My hair became tangled into chunks and I wanted to close my eyes and feel the cold, perfect rain drops on my skin. I thought how perfect it would be to stand in those fields and just breathe the perfectness around me. Let the cold drops hit my skin.
I dream alot these days. I feel so much hope in dreaming.
I know we were blessed with dreams so we could see what beautiful places we could go, the amazing things we could accomplish. Its the Lords way of helping us keep our hopes alive in a world he knew would feel dark and suffocating. Dreams free us from those days we feel our chest tighten, and our heart rates rise. They free us from the feelings we cant control, the tears we cant hold back, the disappointments we cant help and the darkness we can only make so light.
I am so humbled that I can see, and feel and be in this beautiful place. That I am able to take it in and let it be a place of goodness and Hope. I dont believe for a second that Life cant be beautiful and perfect...not matter how far from that it seems.