Thursday, November 18, 2010

Worried Sick

It all Started with my Mom getting sick this week.
No big deal, just the flu.

She was in bed, getting rest. And I decided to go hang out with my friends.
We go out to the desert for fourwheeling often.
I have kinda had my fair share as of late, and so had my friend Kj.
So, him and I decided to go longboarding instead.
The plan:
Meet the Crew at Native New Yorker for Wings.
Meet back at Jayrods house to depart for the desert.
So, we did that much.
As far as I knew, the plan was still that Kj and I would not be going to the desert,
and instead be going longboarding.
Well, as everyone prepared and hung out for the desert, Kj and Spencer said
"we will be back!"
and left.
So, I figured they went to get some energy drinks.
About twenty minutes later, the crew was ready to leave. No kj or spencer.
So I text Kj.
No response.
As far as I know, Im not going, thinking the plan was still on.
So, I stayed.
Suddenly it was completely silent. Not a soul in sight. But me.

I text Kj again.
Still, Nothing.

After 30 Minutes I figure something came up.
Icecream it is.

Yes, I went to sonic by myself and got icecream.
Then I went to Kelli and Richies and ate it.
But by this time, I've heard nothing.
I'm a little upset, but mostly worried.

Well, as you can guess, its now 11:30pm and I've still heard not a sound.
They could be hurt or just hanging out with other friends.
I have NO idea what it could be.
Because once again I'm left hanging onto nothing but my thoughts.
Which are getting too carried away.

My thoughts have swayed in and out of
"i must be really boring, and totally lame"
"they could have gotten in an accident and here I am worried about me"

Its terrifying not knowing if your loved ones are okay.

To top it off....My mom is now in the E.R.
5 Spinal Taps later, and she is being tested for Meningitis.
The results wont be in for at least an hour, and even then, we have no idea what the plan is.
So, Here I am. Worried SICK.
Praying my Mom is okay and that my friends are safe.

It seems as though i've become the person with a huge lack in information.
So, if you have questions, Don't ask me.

I pray that everyone is okay.
I pray that at some point in this life, I'll figure out if Im worth the time and energy
to even tell whats going on.
Because at this point...nothings in my favor.

PLEASE, Spare me.

Keep them all in your prayers! Im sure everything is okay, and that there will be a peaceful end, but just for now, Ill be worried.

Monday, November 15, 2010


Its better say the word profanities than to actually say them.
Which is what i'd like to do now.

I wish I could say this post was going to be a good one
but because its 2am and Im not in a mood to care
It wont be

I just want to scream. LOUD.
So loud that someone can hear me, and will come running.

You know the feeling. Im sure.
and if you dont, you are one lucky soul.

theres a feeling of sadness
and a pang of pain in my heart.
The kind that when you cry, Actually hurts.
Like heartbreak.

for a long time i didnt think that was real.
but I know it is.

its something we all feel.
like when you decide to go to a dance party wiht friends and end up following a car
FULL of your friends
while you drive behind, in your own car. EMPTY.

yes, that did happen. and what i felt was pure sadness.
when does it become MY turn to have someone who truly honestly sincerely genuinly loves me for who I AM.
when is it my turn to run into someone who wants so bad to be in MY company because
im interesting, or funny.
At this point, i guess ill just assume i have no substance and am not worth a thing.

im ready to run. my feet are buried and planted in this ground, but my body wants so bad to move.
when will i be able to fly, to move to just GO.
far away from this place and all of these people.
no matter how sincere and real i am, no matter how much i love my friends
im not feeling back, when i try to give
i just want to be in a place where i can free myself from these chains and find peace.
where can i go
what can i do
i think its my turn to be helped.....its my turn to find someone who needs a project
because right now
im a lost cause.


anyone need a project, you might receive blessings for this one....