It's been one of those days. Yes, I mean one of THOSE.
It started when I went to bed at 1:30am, or at least , I was headed to bed. When Phil woke up and asked for advil. He has body ache and doesn't feel well at all. So I took his shower chair (from when he broke his leg) and heated up the bathroom for him, and in an attempt to be motherly and get Phil something to make him feel better. I went to my kitchen, opened the medicine cabinet and searched for anything. All I could come up with was : Advil, Zicam and some EmergenC. So, I took them all the the bed table and let him take his pick. Like it was a party platter or something. haha.
Anyway, We finally got some sleep. And, Yes, I slept in until 10am. I am in awe at myself that I am capable of letting my day pass like that. I guess , Over the past year I have grown into a habit of not doing anything, because I feel there is nothing for me to do here. I sleep in, because I feel it makes the day pass faster so I dont have to sit and wait for my time to go to bed. I find myself checking FB and Blogs just to keep me busy, so I feel like Im living vicariously through others. I look at myself in the mirror and see Im not ...Me. I never get ready, there isnt any reason to feel pretty or waste my time if I can't see anyone. I wake up, and Im already curious what Ill eat , just because it keeps my mind busy for the first hour of my day. I want to visit people, but have no one my age near by. I find myself wishing I could have a job a love. Or at least have one that I want to go to everyday. My only option here, is the school. I wish I could do something to contribute to our income, or even our life. And all I am capable of doing- is cleaning my house. I can hardly even do that. I have a mess of clothes on the floor. All clean. And I cant even make myself put them away.
Its a battle everyday. I want to nap, I want to sit and thats all I can do. Where does a life begin, and where does it end. I wish I knew, I wish I could tell you all that my life feels fabulous to me. I wish I could tell every person that looks at me and says " You have the Dream life", that you may not think of it that way. Because thats my automatic , internal response each time someone says something like that to me. I try. I try hard. I say my prayers often, I read and I ask my Father in Heaven to help me be strong. To help me Know what I need to do to live my life, as he would have me live it. And to those of you who think Babies are the answer, they aren't. To be able to take care of any other human being, you must have taken care of yourself first. I am still doing that. I will know when its my time to be a mom, but I know my Heavenly Father woulnd't bless me with such a huge blessing unless he knew I was ready. I have Faith in my Father in Heaven. But I also need me friends and my Family.
I want Emily Merkley (Sp?) to know that I am glad she posted on how she feels alone. I know what she means, and I know that its so easy to feel inadequate. Em, you are amazing. And you always will be!
Please, understand that I dont write this to make you sad, or confused. I just needed to vent. I think writing used to make me better, its therapy. And its been so long since I've done so. So, I figured me blog would be easier. I can type faster here anyway. Friends, I love Life. I love the sunshine, the smell of rain in the desert. I love cold wind blowing in my face when I get to ride quads or go fourwheeling. I love kettle corn. I love salads. I love my family and their support. I love my church and the people in it, even those who aren't members of it. I love children, I love LMN, yes the womans channels with sappy movies. I love movies. I love the beach, beach cruiser bikes, Antiques.
I could go on, I love alot. But I especially love life. I just have gotten stuck in a little spot and I dont know anyone who hasn't. I Just want everyone out there to know, I am happy, but I am just confused. I know there are others our there like this, And I want you to know- you are not alone. You have a Father in Heaven who you can talk to, always. And you have friends who you can turn to. And i'd like to be one of them.
Smile often, and think positive, I believe positive thinking releases those endorphins we need to be happy. And I know that If I can make it here, where its me and Phil and and a couple people from church, you can do it. You can.
Thanks to my family who love me and support me. And thanks to my friends. I love you all!!
