A Quotist.

" Positivity is the root of all Possibility, Dig it up."

-Me

Yep...

I think I like it.

Last night, I was up, Feeling rather inspired.

This quote was the only thing that popped into my head.

I dont need a "like" button for this one.

I already Love it.

Happy Friday!

The News

I'm Moving.

To....dun dun dun...

Taylor, Arizona.

I am so excited.

I am ready for a big change. New job. New faces.

New challenges.

and

A new Me.

It's about time I get goin' with my Life and my Self betterment.

Ive recently applied for jobs at the hospital in Show Low and hope I get one!

But, I also have a job being a Nanny for the Perkins.

I am SO EXCITED.

Cash and Stetson are my little dudes I'll be watching and Its going to be amazing.

Its something I am ready for. This is going to be UNREAL.

Its the part of my life when things start happening.

I got invited by one of my favorites to Ireland in October and Im going to start saving my Pennies.

And you know what else, I want to go to Hawaii.

So, Taylor, Here I come.

Its time to start workin, and savin and moving FORWARD.

No more looking back!

I will miss so many people.

I love you all so much.

But there are a few special people who never left my side.

My Family. I love them with ALL of me. And I am so grateful for them.

Kelli, I love you sister.

Mama , Beccabear and Drew Holleran. You guys have been such HUGE blessings to me. I love you guys!

And gosh, if i could list them all out. EACH and EVERY single one of my friends and family.

I love you guys. ALOT.

Dont ever give up on yourselves. Love yourself enough to give yourself what you need.

(and want)

I love you guys! Cross you fingers for me! Im on a HUGE MISSION and IM NOT STOPPING HERE!!!!!

Love, Breeee

Life's Lesson,Never Learned.

Sometimes I wonder how I can move so far backward, Its like I never moved forward.

I wonder why I make decisions or put myself in situations that Ive been in

and theres no good that come from it.

I'm sick of who Ive become, where Im at in my life, and where Im Not.

I want to stop feeling like I have to rely on someone to be happy.

I have discovered a few things about myself.

Its mostly phsycological.

Ever since Ive been divorced, I had this overwhelming need to confirm I can handle SOMETHING.

At any point, I just wanted to feel as though I wouldnt fail at everything I did.

You see, It all started with the realization that I failed at marriage and being a good wife.

Then it became much bigger, soon enough, I felt as though id fail at everything I would ever do.

So, in some sort of failed attempt to regain my own self worth, I began trying extra hard in everything I did.

Sometimes, I tried too hard.

I would begin to try and take care of everyone I met.

Like a mother would do.

I felt the need to make others happy so I could drown out my own needs and feelings.

I would overwhelm the people in my life.

And from there, I began thinking to much. Worried I would never be good enough for anyone.

No matter how well I could care for someone, I feared I could never make another person happy.

Im afraid ive gone off the deep end, and become to reliant on the acceptance of others that Ive forgetten to figure out who I am.

I know who I am, I think.

But I doubt that often because Im in a state of confusion.

I constantly wonder if Ill ever succeed.

If ill ever really be happy.

If ill ever be able to make somone truly happy.

If I will ever feel Normal.

Ive pushed away everyone I know.

I start liking someone and feel like I want to really be good at that relationship, and scare them away.

I thought I was just loyal.

But I guess I smother people.

I dont know why I feel the need to try so hard. But I do. Im passionate about what I do. All the time.

I havent seen the movie Eat Pray Love yet, but I have a feeling Im like Julia Roberts character.

I need to remove myself from this familiar setting and start thinking about my health, mentally.

Physically.
Spiritually.

I need to learn to rely on myself , and myself alone.

I need to learn to be okay when Im alone.

So that when the day comes I have become reliant on myself.

Maybe then, I cant look for someone else to rely on.

And then, they can comfortably rely, on me.

Time will tell.

Until then, Im goin to try and be okay with the fact that once again, Ive failed.

Ill accept it for what it is, and start focusing on my life.

Hopefully.

Worried Sick

It all Started with my Mom getting sick this week.

No big deal, just the flu.

She was in bed, getting rest. And I decided to go hang out with my friends.

We go out to the desert for fourwheeling often.

I have kinda had my fair share as of late, and so had my friend Kj.

So, him and I decided to go longboarding instead.

The plan:

Meet the Crew at Native New Yorker for Wings.

Meet back at Jayrods house to depart for the desert.

So, we did that much.

As far as I knew, the plan was still that Kj and I would not be going to the desert,

and instead be going longboarding.

Well, as everyone prepared and hung out for the desert, Kj and Spencer said

"we will be back!"

and left.

So, I figured they went to get some energy drinks.

About twenty minutes later, the crew was ready to leave. No kj or spencer.

So I text Kj.

No response.

As far as I know, Im not going, thinking the plan was still on.

So, I stayed.

Suddenly it was completely silent. Not a soul in sight. But me.

I text Kj again.

Still, Nothing.

After 30 Minutes I figure something came up.

Icecream it is.

Yes, I went to sonic by myself and got icecream.

Then I went to Kelli and Richies and ate it.

But by this time, I've heard nothing.

I'm a little upset, but mostly worried.

Well, as you can guess, its now 11:30pm and I've still heard not a sound.

They could be hurt or just hanging out with other friends.

But

I have NO idea what it could be.

Because once again I'm left hanging onto nothing but my thoughts.

Which are getting too carried away.

My thoughts have swayed in and out of

"i must be really boring, and totally lame"

to

"they could have gotten in an accident and here I am worried about me"

Its terrifying not knowing if your loved ones are okay.

To top it off....My mom is now in the E.R.

5 Spinal Taps later, and she is being tested for Meningitis.

The results wont be in for at least an hour, and even then, we have no idea what the plan is.

So, Here I am. Worried SICK.

Praying my Mom is okay and that my friends are safe.

It seems as though i've become the person with a huge lack in information.

So, if you have questions, Don't ask me.

I pray that everyone is okay.

I pray that at some point in this life, I'll figure out if Im worth the time and energy

to even tell whats going on.

Because at this point...nothings in my favor.

PLEASE, Spare me.

Keep them all in your prayers! Im sure everything is okay, and that there will be a peaceful end, but just for now, Ill be worried.

Profanities

Its better say the word profanities than to actually say them.

Which is what i'd like to do now.

I wish I could say this post was going to be a good one

but because its 2am and Im not in a mood to care

It wont be

I just want to scream. LOUD.

So loud that someone can hear me, and will come running.

You know the feeling. Im sure.

and if you dont, you are one lucky soul.

theres a feeling of sadness

and a pang of pain in my heart.

The kind that when you cry, Actually hurts.

Like heartbreak.

for a long time i didnt think that was real.

but I know it is.

its something we all feel.

like when you decide to go to a dance party wiht friends and end up following a car

FULL of your friends

while you drive behind, in your own car. EMPTY.

yes, that did happen. and what i felt was pure sadness.

when does it become MY turn to have someone who truly honestly sincerely genuinly loves me for who I AM.

when is it my turn to run into someone who wants so bad to be in MY company because

im interesting, or funny.

At this point, i guess ill just assume i have no substance and am not worth a thing.

im ready to run. my feet are buried and planted in this ground, but my body wants so bad to move.

when will i be able to fly, to move to just GO.

far away from this place and all of these people.

no matter how sincere and real i am, no matter how much i love my friends

im not feeling back, when i try to give

i just want to be in a place where i can free myself from these chains and find peace.

where can i go

what can i do

i think its my turn to be helped.....its my turn to find someone who needs a project

because right now

im a lost cause.

worthless.

anyone need a project, you might receive blessings for this one....

Remember that one Post?

Ya, the one where I go on and on about how "its a feat"

Well, I am here to calm your every worry

(because I know you've all been wondering)

I am still working towards my goal.

Its been tough, and I did, admitadly take a small break

so I could go to school.

Yes, I went to school....Some people wouldnt put it in that category

but I do.

I went to Pima Medical Intstitute to be a CNA

(certified nursing assistant)

It was a 5 weeks program in which I am proud to say, I got a 4.0

I'm pretty sure anyone could do it, but I didn't think I could swing it.

Well I did. And now, I get the pleasure of looking for a Job!

I am keeping my eyes peeled for a job at a hospital, hopefully in Pediatrics.

But Im assuming that wont fly.

So, as for now, I am jobless and schooless.

Its no fun, I hate feeling lazy and unaccomplished.

Besides that I am tryin' to get myself spiritually and physically fit.

This is the point in life where I get a little discouraged and have WAY too much time to think.

Thinking is okay though, right?

Anyway, back to my original topic

(im easily strayed, obviously)

I have yet to get back to the gym, not because I am lazy, but because i put my

account on hold until i have a job.

i believe the term is "living within my means"

My means dont exactly wanna pay for gym and gas and groceries

and blah blah blah...So...that it is.

I shall be patient.

Go walk outside, since the weather is so amazing.

breathe some fresh air

ride a bike

get out of this house...

It will be nice...except as I speak, I hear someon rustling outside my window.

Creepy...Yes.

Anyway...I guess this is my update for now...But soon enough ill be back with a whole wonderful

post about my accomplishments in the past few months.

Until then, if anyone wants to play...

Im around!

Have a wonderful WONDERFUL Halloween weekend!!

Love, Bree

It's about time

I've been thinking.

And as you all know, Thats when I blog.

Oh Joy.

Well, As of today, I'm done with the class part of my CNA Program.

It's so exciting. First, because I have a 4.0

And if you know me, I'm not so bright. I don't get 4.0's

But

I have one.

Next week we will go to the a nursing home for clinicals.

I'm a little nervous, but I love old people and I am excited to get the hands on experience.

On another note.

After next week, I will be jobless and scheduless.

This is exciting for me.

First, because Tuff is in town. I get to go on some fun adventures with him!

Second, because I get to find the perfect place for me to be.

Part of me wants to move away, and the other wants to stay.

But mostly, I want to move.

I kinda feel like I need to do what the character in the movie

Eat Pray Love

does.

Just, go away.

Id love to find myself in a foreign place. Left with nothing but myself, my thoughts and a peace I cant find in a familiar place.

I believe that I find peace in an unfamiliar place.

I am left with my clear thoughts.

Nothing surrounding me that is familiar.

I can focus on the peace that surrounds me.

Another reason I want to go...

I don't seem to have many Good friends.

The kind that call you daily just to laugh with you and check on you.

The ones who spend a day doing spontaneous things.

Friends who WANT to hang out with me

Ones that like me for what I am and what Ive been through in my life.

I know I am a good person, with alot of love and excitement for life.

I just want to have fun, go on trips, relax, laugh.

I am not complicated.

But I think everyone I know, may think I am.

I just want to meet people who want good relationships, ones that will Last.

I don't want to be the kind of person who just has alot of friends and goes out to alot of parties.

Thats not me.

I love to be with people I love and who I can be a good friend too.

I never really liked those awkward greetings with people I kinda knew.

I always loved being a good friend.

Anyway, Its really just me ranting and raving about nonsense.

You know, the usual.

But, its okay.

Im not too worried, things will work out.

Soon enough ill have the people around me who matter most

besides my amazing family.

Either way...

If you like to have fun, chill, laugh, talk, listen to music, stare at the fan, throw chonies at the fan, make pbjs at 2am, take random trips to the mountains, sleep, eat, chair dance, go to the mud bogs, camp, get excited over camp fires and fuel...

just to name a few...

Please

Inquire Here.

Love, Bree