Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Curse of Independance

As I sit and think about the past few months of my life
I realize how different of a person I am.
I feel guilty at the outcome and often wonder what I will learn
But I also know what I have already Learned.

As many of you may know, And many of you may not
I was married for a little over a year of my life
To an amazing guy with a heart of gold
But Sometimes we make mistakes
and do things that don't make sense
Well, I've also been divorced.

In my 22 years of life in this planet
I have never learned more of myself than in this last year.

I know, it was alot to go through
just to learn some
But I know, that in the end
It will be a blessing.
Heavenly Father loves each of us and wants each of us to be Happy.
And when I say Happy, I mean Completely Peaceful.

If we aren't, He doesn't expect us to stay that way.
Well Ever since I've come back to Mesa
I have had to adjust alot.
I am finally going to start my old job back up
which I am afraid of. I feel like Ill Fail.
I havent worked in a year.
I fee like Everything I do
is like a new start
But I also feel like Im new at all of it.

Its scary to be someone for so long
and Meet a New You.
Then have to return to the old you once again.
Im afraid to Live life. Im afraid to Run and Let myself Fly.

Im a Dreamer.
Its a curse.
I Dream all day of how I want to be, Who I want to become.
Everyday I strive to be better at something.
Some things I have decided for myself:
1. Be outgoing, Don't be afraid of anyone. Chances are, they are just as scared.
2.Make new friends,Love people, Love yourself- and others will too
3. Work Hard.Working hard makes me strong and capable of so much more.
4. Smile all day. Don't let the little things take away your sunshine.
5.Be kind. To everyone, Love them like they are you Family. Drop what you're doing and serve them.
6. Take in the moments, not the hours.
7.Enjoy the small things. But Don't ignore the big moments in life.
8. Trust myself to Be. Be good, Be happy,Be smart, Be wonderful,Be intelligent, Be kind, Be patient, Be selfless.
9.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams. Take that random trip, Sing out loud while your driving, Dance around the kitchen, Smile at a stranger, Take chances, Take Risks, Learn new things, Never be afraid. Nothing can stop you, But you.
10. Love unconditionally. Myself and Others.

As I read this list, Im certain I have left some out
Im certain I have thought of others
and they may be significant or not.

But thats No matter.
Because I know that As I try to do this, sometimes Ill be brought down.
I am the only one who can let myself feel defeated.
But today, I felt defeated.
I havent been working as much as I needed
I havent done all that I can to better myself
I have made dumb decisions
Its Okay.
I learn.
We never stop learning.

I know that when My clutch is bad, I shouldnt drive to Tucson.
I know that when I have No money I should go spending it.

I can recognize the feeling that tells me something isn't a good idea.

This week I have tried to make friends
And because I am so attracted to things that guys like, I like to make friends with them.
I decided not to be afraid of myself
So I introduced myself to a guy at the mud bogs who is a mechanic and Likes to play in the dirt.
He is a good friend now.
If I want to work on a truck, just to learn how It works,
He will do it with me.
I decided to reconnect with old friends
Ones who will go to midnight movies, and get pumped about going to Las Vegas with me
Just because we wanna Dress like we're millionaires.
I let myself go offroading with some new people
and had a blast.
I didnt hold myself back.
Now they are good friends
The kind who call at 10pm to go cruise the desert
or hit the mud bogs
or go find treasure around town.

I like being me,
Im spontaneous
Not embarrassed to act stupid
Slap Happy
I love to play in the dirt
Do something crazy just to feel that way
I like being confusing
I like not knowing what tommorrow will hold
I like getting excited about one night camping trips
just to leave and come right back
I love the smell of gasoline
Lyin on the ground just to look under a truck
I love the sunshine
Loud music and driving fast.

I am me. And I am okay with that.

I try to be honest and tell it how it is.
My friend is struggling right now, he has been in my life for 5 years now. And I have always cared about him. I care about my friends.
I have a tendancy to love unconditionally.
That is my downfall.

My mom tells me Not to count on making alot of guy friends because guys my age
want wives
and I just wanna be Friends.
Shes So right.
But it makes me angry. I just want to be a good friend, maybe I just wanna be one of the guys.

Today I went to walmart and Bought My friend some survival goodies and put them in a bag.
and I took them to his moms house just so he Could have a surprise.

My brother told me Not to be TOO nice.

I got so angry.
I just want to be kind. I did it because I know it will Help. Because I know it will make things easier on him. Because I care.

And thats all I want.

I want to be ME, without all the assumptions, the judgements.
I want things to make sense, I want others to understand who I am.

I will always want to do and be the kindest person I can.
If that means making a package just so you Smile.

If I want to drive 2hours just to be with an old friend, Just to escape here, and go there.
Trust me.
I can.

I know Im independant-
I want to drive far-
all by myself
I want to buy my own things
pay my own bills
I want to be tell you you are amazing
and Not feel like Ill lead you on
I want to tell you YOU CAN
and Not have everyone tell me I am making you believe something else.

I want to Love you and Not feel like I have to marry you.
I want to smile at you, just so you smile.
I want to rub your back, because it hurts, And I want to help.
I want to give you a note because your day was bad.
I want to Laugh because your funny
call you to see how you are.

When I say You, I mean all my friends.
I want my friends, my family
to know I love them.
I want to tell you I love you
and I hope you know I mean it.

I dont want being me, or being independant to be a curse.
I dont think its meant to be that way.
I want to do what guys do, I want to sleep under the stars
fix things that are broken
have dirt on my face and not care
Have my hair in a mess, and it be no matter,
I want to have a zit and not feel like pounds of makeup is needed to impress you.
I want to come over in sweats and a ponytail just to hang out and relax.
I want to eat food and not feel like im being compared to the anorexic girl next to me
I want to be proud of my chubby self and to love me, for me.
If you dont like how I look, Its okay.
Everyone is different. I dont need the world to love me
I love me.

And thats all that matters.

I hope I can make new friends
and have them forever.
I hope I can continue to learn about Me
and Love me
I know sometimes Ill doubt myself
But its okay

Ill be stronger tommorrow.

I Know who I am, And what I feel and what I mean. And I promise to be honest and kind.
I Promise to never give Up on myself
or on my family
or friends.

I promise to remember I CAN.
I always can.

And I know you can too.
I have a purpose on this earth
And its not to hide behind my fears
or run away from an oppurtunity.

Its to embrace to the good, and be the best.

The worth of Souls is Great in the Sight of God.

Love, Bree


Brianna and Trenton said...

i love your blog! you write so well. i am very sorry about you and your ex husband. I had no idea. If you need anything let me know! plus im getting married soon..june 18th. so any advice would help! haha call me :)

Eve and Tim DeLoach x2 said...

dear B. i love u, and i love ur honesty. embrace life. you have been through a lot and i agree with you..you should have friends, guy friends. but remember you cant grow old with just a guy friend, eventually you will want to turn that friend into a best friend and that will turn into something more. you are amazing, and im not just saying that. i think about you often, and am proud of the fact that you know who you are and were strong enough to know that and be strong enough to get out of the situation so YOU could be happy. sometimes i wonder why my own mother hasnt done the same thing...
come visit me, im really love hangin out with you and plus u owe me a treat!!

Melis said...

I'm sorry about you & Phil.
And I hope you don't mind me still stopping by to "visit." Your writing draws me in. You're so open & honest. I admire it! And am able to relate. Thanks for your example!

Steven & DeLona said...

I am soo sorry to hear about you and Phil. On another note I am proud of you for standing up to your feelings. Like you said, God intended for all of us to be truely happy. I hope you find peace and a person that makes you happy and that you can be yourself! You are an awesome young lady... love ya