Sometimes I wonder how I can move so far backward, Its like I never moved forward.
I wonder why I make decisions or put myself in situations that Ive been in
and theres no good that come from it.
I'm sick of who Ive become, where Im at in my life, and where Im Not.
I want to stop feeling like I have to rely on someone to be happy.
I have discovered a few things about myself.
Its mostly phsycological.
Ever since Ive been divorced, I had this overwhelming need to confirm I can handle SOMETHING.
At any point, I just wanted to feel as though I wouldnt fail at everything I did.
You see, It all started with the realization that I failed at marriage and being a good wife.
Then it became much bigger, soon enough, I felt as though id fail at everything I would ever do.
So, in some sort of failed attempt to regain my own self worth, I began trying extra hard in everything I did.
Sometimes, I tried too hard.
I would begin to try and take care of everyone I met.
Like a mother would do.
I felt the need to make others happy so I could drown out my own needs and feelings.
I would overwhelm the people in my life.
And from there, I began thinking to much. Worried I would never be good enough for anyone.
No matter how well I could care for someone, I feared I could never make another person happy.
Im afraid ive gone off the deep end, and become to reliant on the acceptance of others that Ive forgetten to figure out who I am.
I know who I am, I think.
But I doubt that often because Im in a state of confusion.
I constantly wonder if Ill ever succeed.
If ill ever really be happy.
If ill ever be able to make somone truly happy.
If I will ever feel Normal.
Ive pushed away everyone I know.
I start liking someone and feel like I want to really be good at that relationship, and scare them away.
I thought I was just loyal.
But I guess I smother people.
I dont know why I feel the need to try so hard. But I do. Im passionate about what I do. All the time.
I havent seen the movie Eat Pray Love yet, but I have a feeling Im like Julia Roberts character.
I need to remove myself from this familiar setting and start thinking about my health, mentally.
Physically.
Spiritually.
I need to learn to rely on myself , and myself alone.
I need to learn to be okay when Im alone.
So that when the day comes I have become reliant on myself.
Maybe then, I cant look for someone else to rely on.
And then, they can comfortably rely, on me.
Time will tell.
Until then, Im goin to try and be okay with the fact that once again, Ive failed.
Ill accept it for what it is, and start focusing on my life.
Hopefully.
