Exausted....

I am exausted.

And to make matters worse.....crazy cant describe my life.

Its a bit...Messy.

However...Amid the crazy, out of control, disappointing and very hard life we all live....some things make me feel like it will all be okay. Sooner than later.

Yesterday I left work around 6:30pm. As I left, the air was moist and cool. Something that doesnt happen in Arizona often. The sky was an array of colors and the wind was swirling around like the left over clumps of chocolate powder in your milk. I pulled out onto Schnef Road and looked at the incredible beauty around me. Farm land stretching for miles...green rows of something I couldnt name. Seemingly small homes dotted the land and the smell of freshly wetted hay filled the air. A smell I miss from the ranch in New Mexico.

I looked about, and was so humbled at the beauty I could enjoy, even if my life seemed to ugly. The sky was filled with rain clouds, but what stood out, was the sun. It was an unspeakably beautiful color. The orange was deep, and sweet. Burnt almost....Slowly falling to the edge of the earth it got darker and richer. I wanted to grab that big ,round ... amazing thing and take a bite out of it. I was sure it must be ripe and juicy. Nothing that would disappoint this perfect place I was in. As I drove west on Combs road, I marveled at the perfect painting in front of me. As the sky got darker, the air around me was saturated with pinks and oranges and dark grays. A color pallete you wouldnt believe. In the sky directly in front of me, There was a dark, smeared cloud of gray and black. The kind you see when it is raining in a far off place. The lightning filled the spot near it. One big gaping hole was filled with the most perfect and bright blue Id ever seen. And farther off north there was another perfectly placed hole filled with a color I wish I could capture with paint. It was a pinkish hue, unmistakably the most pretty shade Id ever beheld. A small touch of orange graced the edges of the hole. It looked like something you would see in Heaven, matter of fact, I am certain that It was a window into what must have been a meadow in Heaven, filled with flowers in hues of color I could only dream of.

The sky was like a painting that I can only hope I could recreate. Of course I would never think I could paint something as perfect as my Father in Heaven...But He did create me. And I hope I could try and imagine what he might have thought up when he painted that sky for me.

The lightning lit up the darkest parts of the sky...Much like the truth in all things lightens up the darkness in our lives. It pierced my eyes and my soul. I felt like the power that radiated from it was straight from Heaven. Small and short lasting pieces of the power and purity and goodness that is waiting for me in the Life hereafter. I can only hope....I couldnt grip my reality quick enough. I was swept away by the view. I was amazed at what I felt. The peace and understanding that I felt. I kept recieving small pieces of clarity and it felt so wonderful. I drove as the cool, wet air wound and whipped through my windows. My hair became tangled into chunks and I wanted to close my eyes and feel the cold, perfect rain drops on my skin. I thought how perfect it would be to stand in those fields and just breathe the perfectness around me. Let the cold drops hit my skin.

I dream alot these days. I feel so much hope in dreaming.

I know we were blessed with dreams so we could see what beautiful places we could go, the amazing things we could accomplish. Its the Lords way of helping us keep our hopes alive in a world he knew would feel dark and suffocating. Dreams free us from those days we feel our chest tighten, and our heart rates rise. They free us from the feelings we cant control, the tears we cant hold back, the disappointments we cant help and the darkness we can only make so light.

I am so humbled that I can see, and feel and be in this beautiful place. That I am able to take it in and let it be a place of goodness and Hope. I dont believe for a second that Life cant be beautiful and perfect...not matter how far from that it seems.

A Quotist.

" Positivity is the root of all Possibility, Dig it up."

-Me

Yep...

I think I like it.

Last night, I was up, Feeling rather inspired.

This quote was the only thing that popped into my head.

I dont need a "like" button for this one.

I already Love it.

Happy Friday!

The News

I'm Moving.

To....dun dun dun...

Taylor, Arizona.

I am so excited.

I am ready for a big change. New job. New faces.

New challenges.

and

A new Me.

It's about time I get goin' with my Life and my Self betterment.

Ive recently applied for jobs at the hospital in Show Low and hope I get one!

But, I also have a job being a Nanny for the Perkins.

I am SO EXCITED.

Cash and Stetson are my little dudes I'll be watching and Its going to be amazing.

Its something I am ready for. This is going to be UNREAL.

Its the part of my life when things start happening.

I got invited by one of my favorites to Ireland in October and Im going to start saving my Pennies.

And you know what else, I want to go to Hawaii.

So, Taylor, Here I come.

Its time to start workin, and savin and moving FORWARD.

No more looking back!

I will miss so many people.

I love you all so much.

But there are a few special people who never left my side.

My Family. I love them with ALL of me. And I am so grateful for them.

Kelli, I love you sister.

Mama , Beccabear and Drew Holleran. You guys have been such HUGE blessings to me. I love you guys!

And gosh, if i could list them all out. EACH and EVERY single one of my friends and family.

I love you guys. ALOT.

Dont ever give up on yourselves. Love yourself enough to give yourself what you need.

(and want)

I love you guys! Cross you fingers for me! Im on a HUGE MISSION and IM NOT STOPPING HERE!!!!!

Love, Breeee

Life's Lesson,Never Learned.

Sometimes I wonder how I can move so far backward, Its like I never moved forward.

I wonder why I make decisions or put myself in situations that Ive been in

and theres no good that come from it.

I'm sick of who Ive become, where Im at in my life, and where Im Not.

I want to stop feeling like I have to rely on someone to be happy.

I have discovered a few things about myself.

Its mostly phsycological.

Ever since Ive been divorced, I had this overwhelming need to confirm I can handle SOMETHING.

At any point, I just wanted to feel as though I wouldnt fail at everything I did.

You see, It all started with the realization that I failed at marriage and being a good wife.

Then it became much bigger, soon enough, I felt as though id fail at everything I would ever do.

So, in some sort of failed attempt to regain my own self worth, I began trying extra hard in everything I did.

Sometimes, I tried too hard.

I would begin to try and take care of everyone I met.

Like a mother would do.

I felt the need to make others happy so I could drown out my own needs and feelings.

I would overwhelm the people in my life.

And from there, I began thinking to much. Worried I would never be good enough for anyone.

No matter how well I could care for someone, I feared I could never make another person happy.

Im afraid ive gone off the deep end, and become to reliant on the acceptance of others that Ive forgetten to figure out who I am.

I know who I am, I think.

But I doubt that often because Im in a state of confusion.

I constantly wonder if Ill ever succeed.

If ill ever really be happy.

If ill ever be able to make somone truly happy.

If I will ever feel Normal.

Ive pushed away everyone I know.

I start liking someone and feel like I want to really be good at that relationship, and scare them away.

I thought I was just loyal.

But I guess I smother people.

I dont know why I feel the need to try so hard. But I do. Im passionate about what I do. All the time.

I havent seen the movie Eat Pray Love yet, but I have a feeling Im like Julia Roberts character.

I need to remove myself from this familiar setting and start thinking about my health, mentally.

Physically.
Spiritually.

I need to learn to rely on myself , and myself alone.

I need to learn to be okay when Im alone.

So that when the day comes I have become reliant on myself.

Maybe then, I cant look for someone else to rely on.

And then, they can comfortably rely, on me.

Time will tell.

Until then, Im goin to try and be okay with the fact that once again, Ive failed.

Ill accept it for what it is, and start focusing on my life.

Hopefully.

Worried Sick

It all Started with my Mom getting sick this week.

No big deal, just the flu.

She was in bed, getting rest. And I decided to go hang out with my friends.

We go out to the desert for fourwheeling often.

I have kinda had my fair share as of late, and so had my friend Kj.

So, him and I decided to go longboarding instead.

The plan:

Meet the Crew at Native New Yorker for Wings.

Meet back at Jayrods house to depart for the desert.

So, we did that much.

As far as I knew, the plan was still that Kj and I would not be going to the desert,

and instead be going longboarding.

Well, as everyone prepared and hung out for the desert, Kj and Spencer said

"we will be back!"

and left.

So, I figured they went to get some energy drinks.

About twenty minutes later, the crew was ready to leave. No kj or spencer.

So I text Kj.

No response.

As far as I know, Im not going, thinking the plan was still on.

So, I stayed.

Suddenly it was completely silent. Not a soul in sight. But me.

I text Kj again.

Still, Nothing.

After 30 Minutes I figure something came up.

Icecream it is.

Yes, I went to sonic by myself and got icecream.

Then I went to Kelli and Richies and ate it.

But by this time, I've heard nothing.

I'm a little upset, but mostly worried.

Well, as you can guess, its now 11:30pm and I've still heard not a sound.

They could be hurt or just hanging out with other friends.

But

I have NO idea what it could be.

Because once again I'm left hanging onto nothing but my thoughts.

Which are getting too carried away.

My thoughts have swayed in and out of

"i must be really boring, and totally lame"

to

"they could have gotten in an accident and here I am worried about me"

Its terrifying not knowing if your loved ones are okay.

To top it off....My mom is now in the E.R.

5 Spinal Taps later, and she is being tested for Meningitis.

The results wont be in for at least an hour, and even then, we have no idea what the plan is.

So, Here I am. Worried SICK.

Praying my Mom is okay and that my friends are safe.

It seems as though i've become the person with a huge lack in information.

So, if you have questions, Don't ask me.

I pray that everyone is okay.

I pray that at some point in this life, I'll figure out if Im worth the time and energy

to even tell whats going on.

Because at this point...nothings in my favor.

PLEASE, Spare me.

Keep them all in your prayers! Im sure everything is okay, and that there will be a peaceful end, but just for now, Ill be worried.

Profanities

Its better say the word profanities than to actually say them.

Which is what i'd like to do now.

I wish I could say this post was going to be a good one

but because its 2am and Im not in a mood to care

It wont be

I just want to scream. LOUD.

So loud that someone can hear me, and will come running.

You know the feeling. Im sure.

and if you dont, you are one lucky soul.

theres a feeling of sadness

and a pang of pain in my heart.

The kind that when you cry, Actually hurts.

Like heartbreak.

for a long time i didnt think that was real.

but I know it is.

its something we all feel.

like when you decide to go to a dance party wiht friends and end up following a car

FULL of your friends

while you drive behind, in your own car. EMPTY.

yes, that did happen. and what i felt was pure sadness.

when does it become MY turn to have someone who truly honestly sincerely genuinly loves me for who I AM.

when is it my turn to run into someone who wants so bad to be in MY company because

im interesting, or funny.

At this point, i guess ill just assume i have no substance and am not worth a thing.

im ready to run. my feet are buried and planted in this ground, but my body wants so bad to move.

when will i be able to fly, to move to just GO.

far away from this place and all of these people.

no matter how sincere and real i am, no matter how much i love my friends

im not feeling back, when i try to give

i just want to be in a place where i can free myself from these chains and find peace.

where can i go

what can i do

i think its my turn to be helped.....its my turn to find someone who needs a project

because right now

im a lost cause.

worthless.

anyone need a project, you might receive blessings for this one....

Remember that one Post?

Ya, the one where I go on and on about how "its a feat"

Well, I am here to calm your every worry

(because I know you've all been wondering)

I am still working towards my goal.

Its been tough, and I did, admitadly take a small break

so I could go to school.

Yes, I went to school....Some people wouldnt put it in that category

but I do.

I went to Pima Medical Intstitute to be a CNA

(certified nursing assistant)

It was a 5 weeks program in which I am proud to say, I got a 4.0

I'm pretty sure anyone could do it, but I didn't think I could swing it.

Well I did. And now, I get the pleasure of looking for a Job!

I am keeping my eyes peeled for a job at a hospital, hopefully in Pediatrics.

But Im assuming that wont fly.

So, as for now, I am jobless and schooless.

Its no fun, I hate feeling lazy and unaccomplished.

Besides that I am tryin' to get myself spiritually and physically fit.

This is the point in life where I get a little discouraged and have WAY too much time to think.

Thinking is okay though, right?

Anyway, back to my original topic

(im easily strayed, obviously)

I have yet to get back to the gym, not because I am lazy, but because i put my

account on hold until i have a job.

i believe the term is "living within my means"

My means dont exactly wanna pay for gym and gas and groceries

and blah blah blah...So...that it is.

I shall be patient.

Go walk outside, since the weather is so amazing.

breathe some fresh air

ride a bike

get out of this house...

It will be nice...except as I speak, I hear someon rustling outside my window.

Creepy...Yes.

Anyway...I guess this is my update for now...But soon enough ill be back with a whole wonderful

post about my accomplishments in the past few months.

Until then, if anyone wants to play...

Im around!

Have a wonderful WONDERFUL Halloween weekend!!

Love, Bree